#三個放不下#

自問真的是個蠢的可憐的笨蛋啊...
為甚麼要哭?為甚麼要把自己鎖在回憶里生活?
我也好想知道.........

很多事情, 越想忘記, 卻越會想起...真的很辛苦...
每每看到.碰到,聽到一些東西, 就會想起他與他...
回憶啊...你到底是要來幹嗎的呢???


我...被牽著了...被三個男的, 綁住了...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

一個是活在天堂的他...
看著那照片, 那房間, 那電腦, 那書包, 那腳車...
聽著那些他聽過, 他會喜歡的歌...還有一首小時候一起笑過的歌...
我們曾經很靠近, 卻隨著年齡的成長而變得好遙遠...
這是甚麼呢??
為甚麼人總是失去了才發現擁有的美好???
***珍惜身邊的人***



另一個是很疼愛我的人...傷心欲絕的人...
看著他, 因失去他而傷心, 憔悴, 迷失...
他跟媽都很難過, 很讓人擔心...
不同的是, 媽媽比較堅強... (為甚麼我的性格不像她呢??)
我每次都有種放不下他的感覺...唉...
***感恩-父母恩***



最後...一個讓我很痛心, 失望的人...
我的喜怒哀樂, 除了爸媽, 他的影響是最大的...
把他看的那麼重, 他不會開心, 反而感到煩惱...
他說了很多不以為意的話傷了我, 卻不知道我要用多久的時間痊癒...
我總于明白, 為甚麼女生有時會做出很多無理取鬧的事情了...
我也總于變成那麼一個笨女人...真可笑...
我幾時才能擺脫那美好回憶的枷鎖呢???
***回憶的滋味***



是的...很多人安慰過我, 也勸過我...
學著放開, 放手, 面對...長痛不如短痛之類的...
哈...我也曾經勸過別人...
結果??? depends 吧...
我自問我是最沒用的人, 別人幫不到我, 我也幫不到我自己...
每次想到方法讓自己忘記, 讓自己看開, 到最後還不是淚留滿臉收場...
沒想過自己是這麼軟弱...恨死了...唉...



現在每次遇到甚麼事情, 都會想起以前所學過的名句精華...
原來...真的很有意思...

深思哲學 bla bla bla...

• 沒有一百分的另一半, 只有五十分的兩個人.

• 付出真心才會得到真心, 卻也可能傷得徹底; 保持距離就能保護自己, 卻也注定永遠寂寞.

• 通常願意留下來跟你爭吵的人, 才是真正愛你的人.

• 有時候不是對方不在乎你, 而是你把對方看的太重要. (或許吧)

• 冷漠有時候並不是無情, 只是一種避免被傷害的工具.

• 愛是: 如果我們之間有1000步的距離, 你只要跨出第一步, 我就會朝你的方向走其餘的999步.

• 為你難過而快樂的是敵人, 為你快樂而快樂的是朋友, 為你難過而難過的就是該放在心里的人.

• 就 算是believe中間也藏著一個 lie.

• 真正的好朋友並不是在一起就有聊不完的話題, 而是在一起就算不說話也不會感到尷尬.

• 朋友就是被你看透了還能喜歡你的人.

=If i were a boy=

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong


But you're just a boy
You don’t understand (yea you don’t understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…


RED : what a girl will do...
BLUE: what a guy usually do...

Why??? Stop comparing??!!!

2008...my last year for still being a teenager...
Coming new year...coming 20 years old...

Yeah...this is my last year... I am so sad when i realize my age sooner start with "2"...
I don have anything in this "last year" but only sadness & hurts...
Why???
Where is the life i enjoy so much before?
Before this, there is ntg special when we talked bout our childhood,
but now...I wonder how wonderful was it...compare to wat i've had now...
Simple chit-chat, simple laughter, simple life = happiness!!!

2008: Big twist in my life
Dreams may broke...the pastor said...& i understand...
But why? Why life is unfair??????

I know i love to cry...I know its annoying when a girl keep crying...
But...Its really hard to control...
At least i did so well in front my parents...
Isnt it should be like in a movie??
"Asking a girl to cry out when she felt sad rather than ask her stay quietly??"
I wish i can find someone to cry to...
But wat he did to me: he found my tears disturbing,bothering...
The one i wish he could comfort me, the one who could do this, doesnt care anymore...




Listening to the song
***If I Were A Boy***

What about yesterday....?

Finally finish my final...
& i know i did it badly....really bad....Erm...let me rate...

1) Accounting ----------> Worst
2) IFM ----------------> Bad
3) Marketing ----------> Moderate?
4) Business Law -------> Moderate?

Sigh...can i pass all that?? Probably not.... :(
Can i transfe/ exchange to Aus??? Poabbly not.... :(
Sob sob...... why like this..

.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.

8/11...yesterday.... my brother's birthday....
I wish him "Happy Birthday"....
In another world tat not belongs to us...
I knew my parents sure remember bout it....
17 years ago... he came to this world...
& 6 months ago... he left this world...
Mayb he will live happily ever after in his world now...
I wish he will..... No...For sure he will....


So....what's my birthday wish for next year??

Final Exam 28/10

Sigh...another final exam coming...
This final just recalled my memory about what had happen before last final exam...
Time passed rapidly...It had been about 4 & a half months ago...



Arhh....i don have mood to study at all...
Can't even remember what i've read an hour ago...
Anyone help me out please... teach me the way to concentrate on my studies....
Sobsob... I don wish to retake these subjects...
I don wish to waste my dad's money...

Monash...
Sunway...
"I hate u"...
Since i've been here, bad things keep happened...
I just hate to be here
***childish***

& i hate to walk along this corridor....
The long boring monash parking->cafeteria corridor...



How i wish i can transfer or exchange to Aussie campus...
Start new life there?? Is it possible??
Or it might be another nightmare for being so far away from my parents??
I don wan their worries...
I scared my dad lonely...
A lot of stuffs have to be consider...
Sigh....

the song - Bye Bye

.=_..**~Bye Bye~**.._=.

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
It's something more than saying "I miss you"
But when we talked too
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face


[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
"I wish I could find a way try not to cry"
As time goes by And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
Bye bye.......


And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
That you can make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever
...................................

< Keep changing>

"Do u know what's the most important thing to u??? Do u know how depress was it when the "most important thing" keep changing?? Become worst & worst........"








I found nobody really closed to me, really understand me anymore....family, friends, boyfriend....who else???
Even the person who sleep beside me, even we grew up together, as in now, we already don't understand each other....

These few days i stay at home...She kept hang out wif her friends...
We have had 3 times dinner in 7 days...Never sit together in the living room...
I knew there are many dissatisfactions and arguments between us...
What she did jus over my "acception" & so does her...
She angry on what i say & im angry on wat she did...& here's come the cold atmosphere between us...

I hope she'll know that everything changed...since the day he's gone...
She can still has her own freedom of cos, but not every day & night, somemore until late at night...Someone worried bout her, she just replied wif an annoying face...This disappointed him...vv much...do you understand?!!!!!

He cried many times...
Last time i wonder y i love to cry so much...& now i realize...
This is not vulnerable, i know how it feels...
I don wan to be the one who makes him cry...Im trying so hard...
Sis, i hope u too....please try yo best...don make them sad anymore...


It just seem like everything keep changing...
Relationship with so whoever....
From simple to the complicated one...
Omg...the gap between us really become bigger & bigger ady...Can't even find a suitable channel to talk to...

I so scare everything far from me...
I so scare when i scream "HELP" there is no one to lend me his/her helping hand...

Where is the happiness we used to have before???
I HATE MY LIFE NOW....

Doggie sick ; I'm sick

Few days suffered from illness

My doggie mic mic is having skin problem for 2-3 weeks ady...
He's wearing a plastic on his head,
to avoid him from biting his own body...
Luckily he is getting better now....
When the time i just got back from kl,
he really looks weak & no strength at all... :(
Scared me...
I don't want anyone around me leave me anymore... sigh

His owner - ME....got sick too.... :(
Sorethroat @ Cough @ Headache @ Flu @ Red eye
My god....It had been about a week....
How come still haven't recover yet...
Seem getting serious... sob...


Really suffered both physically & mentally....

(T.T)
=====================================

* The love tarots for the day *

審判 - 復活 (逆位)

塔羅牌義

這是一張甚帶基督教的色彩。在末日的審判中，死去的人會復活，同時會被審判其罪。

愛情運勢

因為不成熟而情感受挫。你們之間存在著對過去的依賴，不願意正視目前的問題，只是不斷地回憶著過去美好的事。對目前與未來的走向卻不重視，不理會，也不願意下工夫去計劃將來。這就影響了現在的愛情。

"Angels may cry"

Finally finish this sem assignments...

**Back in Ipoh**

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling bad recently...

Might suddenly cry at night before sleep again...

This is not because of him, i guess...but him - my bro...

I still remember every scenes before u leave... It was a nightmare....

---------------------------------------------------------

~ Another "him" ~

Loneliness : A feeling of depression resulting from being alone

I so scare for being alone...i dunno why....

If im going to lost you one day, i might be suffer from the feeling so called "loneliness"...

Yet, i cannot do anything to hold you...

If something not belongs to you, it will still gone no matter how tight you hold;

If something belongs to you, you just let it go, & it will come back to you~

Is that true???

Many people told me the facts....

I dunno whether it's true...Or am i actually believe it, but just trying to escape??

Sorry...for being so vulnerable....

>>>God, I just wish to be strong!<<<

Why must there differences between Boys & Girls???

I've done something stupid today...& discover some messages...
Maybe i shouldn't done this because it bring no harms to him but only me- myself...
Do i really need to care so much? Why cant i jus let it be...

Is that every relationship must change over time?
Why must a relationship turn into cool atmosphere compare to the sweet beginning...
Loss of passion, patient and cares... Even loss of love, the most important thing...

Normally, for a guy, it seems like love will become lesser when a relationship grow...
Their gentle action, tender words, sweetest kiss...All gone...
How long it takes?? One year? Half year? Or only one or two months???

Whereas, for a gal, it was first only begin with the so-called "feeling" and then turns into "love"...
Then, a gal will wait for the love to blossom..between them...
Yet, the outcome alwaz undisirable...
Guys will do many things to dissapoint a gal...
It's that because girls hard to serve or because they don't wan to take time to realize the needs of a girl?

A lot of questions come ahead over time...
Is the question "Does him still love me?" really important?
Or a girl can just act like nothing & being as happy as before?

GUYS!!!
Please take note!!!
If you do not really feel like loving a girl for a period as she wish to, do not go for her...
You gain your own happiness for the "sweet time" you assume, but it hurts badly to the girl when everything changed...
A short period of happiness will become a girl's unforgettable memories forever...

Hmmm...Wonder why am i so naive.............................

P/S: This is just my own experience & expressions... I know there might be some cases in which: guys hurt badly by a gal...so...forget bout it... :)

Everytime when i saw old couples walking hand in hand, it just come along with a smile on my face....SWEET isn't it??? This call "eternal love"....

*One Important Picture*

Two weeks ago, my external harddisk spoil d... no signal & cannot be detected at all...
The only way to get back the data inside is to send it back to the manufacturer & retrieved the data by the expert technician...

The salesperson, as well as those who clear about IT, told me that this will cost a few thousand...
Oh my god!!!! How am i going to pay for it....sob...

The pictures inside i only hav one copy...
& some of them really vv important...Nv ever could b taken anymore...
Cz it was took wif my bro...sigh......
We seldom take pictures with him...Therefore, how precious was it if there is one...
There was a pic taken during my mum's birthday last year.... :(
A pic in which my bro hug my mum, with the special birthday cake we gave her that year...
I have only one copy...thus it's really precious...I really need those pic back :..(
What should i do...I really so upset...
Why am i so stupid and transfered all my pictures to the external harddisk without keeping any copies... :..(


Really no one can help??? God's keep playing wif me....

Mid-Autumn Festival

Year 2008 Mid-Autumn Festival : My first post in my blog...

Koh family didn't celebrate mid-autumn this year...
Reason: Chinese tradition, as there is family member passed away, there will be no celebration for all festival in one year time.

8.40pm:- having dinner with my family, a feeling come ahead: a festival like this, there are fewer & fewer members joining the dinner ady... & this year, 3 of our family members gone, the dinner seem so quiet...it becomes more than a normal dinner since we wont having any celebration in one year time...
After dinner wif my family, on the way home, i saw some children playing candle & lantern inside their house...candles all around their fencing area, on their frontgate, so nice...

It reminds me about my childhood...I used to play candle & lantern wif my bro & my cousins...
In my old house... & after i move to the house which i'm staying now, i also used to play candles wif my bro in my house balcony...lighting candles surrounding the balcony...it's really nice...

As we grow up, we didn't play those little children stuffs anymore... but i still miss that moment very much...now, I can still buy the candles, still can play the candles in the balcony...yet, my bro already gone...at the same place, same season, we couldn't have the same person to be wif us anymore...what's left only memories...

I also recall the time when me, Bit Bit, Ming, KK & AX fooling around in the field opposite my house while year 2006 mid-autumn... 4 of us- "the big children" playing candles in the playground & carry lantern walk around my neighbourhood... Now, KK ady went overseas...just like, people all leaving ady...& i don't have mood doing such things too...

"Happy Mid-Autumn Festival"???
What should i reply??? :(